Why I Hate The Wire

Baltimore journalist David Simon's 'television show' The Wire (if you can call it such a thing) is awful. I mean, just godawful. I can't count all the ways in which it sucks, but let me give it a shot. In the manner of the show I'm lambasting, expect profanity.

#1 - It makes you think. Tossers.

The Wire thinks it's so fucking clever. It tries to be an intelligent social commentary on the futile drug war and attempts to highlight striking similarities between a number of institutions. Whether you're a drug dealer or a cop (or, just to bluntly ram the point home, a teacher or a stevedore or a newspaper man or a politician), you're a slave to exactly the same kind of bureaucracy and organisational structure in each instance, and you feel honour-bound to serve that institution in spite of yourself. In this way, the show says, everyone's choices are more strongly influenced by institutional pressures than by their own codes of morality. But I've watched a lot of American TV shows, and so I know this to be complete bullshit. Cops are the good guys and drug dealers are the bad guys. End of story. Why are they trying to give us all headaches by overthinking society when real life is clearly a lot more simple?

There's also a lot to keep track of in the show. Each season typically spans several months of an intense wiretap investigation, and there are dozens upon dozens of characters whose names and faces you have to remember in order for the show to work in the way the writers want it too. What's worse is that next to none of these characters wear distinctive outfits or have any kind of comical catchphrase to make the familiarisation easy. You really are required to keep your mind switched on when watching, which contradicts the comfortable idea that television is dumbing down. Who do they think we are, professors or something? Dickheads.

#2 - The Wire has made me want to read again. Timewasters.

For decades now, the line between American television and American cinema has been blurring, with your average episode of 24 or Lost looking so stylish and action-packed you can actually buy into those TV producers who boast, "It's like we're making a movie every single week!". What a huge step back, then, for a writer to aim to have his show ape the antique storytelling medium that is written literature.

Unlike conventional procedurals on TV, where any investigations are satisfyingly solved with a pretty little bow by the end of that episode, The Wire might introduce a particular character or plot point and then have the cheek to make no reference to it again for several episodes, or even several years. This sort of thing is explained, although not excused, by the fact that instead of hiring sensible Hollywood types to make his show, Simon's writing team is a ragtag bunch of novelists and journalists, who just don't comprehend what makes a good cop show. Whenever characters get shot in The Wire, it's realistically abrupt and unheroic. Christ, the show lasted an unbelievable five years and to my recollection they had only one fucking explosion.

In the same way that a novel is rarely satisfying unless you get to the end, you have to commit to a whole fucking season of this show before you get any kind of payoff. And even then the writers leave several threads dangling at the end of each season, claiming that it's imitating real life. An infuriating consequence of all of this is that, having watched all five seasons of the show, I feel like I've just read five books. Now I'm having to read actual books printed on actual paper to save myself from reverting to idiocy, and who has the time for that in today's busy world? Twats.

#3 - David Simon owes me a new television.

I made the mistake of watching a recent episode of CSI: Miami the other day. After 35 minutes of forensic foreplay came the spectacular climax (apologies for any innuendo your dirty mind may have picked up there), where Horatio became embroiled in a car chase with a baby-kidnapper through an abandoned airfield that looked remarkably like a studio backlot in Los Angeles. Said baby-kidnapper's car flipped itself over several times before landing on its roof and catching fire. Horatio then gets out of his car, shoots said baby-kidnapper (who had enough energy after his crash to stand up and take aim at Horatio) and then walks into the billowing smoke to rescue said baby from said burning vehicle. Afterwards, said baby's mother is overjoyed to see her son again, and asks how she could ever thank Horatio. Having seen her tears of joy, Horatio claims, "You already have" then repeats this again for dramatic emphasis. You could tell that he meant it too, because he had taken off his trademark fucking sunglasses.

It was at this point that I had angrily walked over to the TV, picked it up with my Hulk-like arms of steel and thrown it through my large conservatory windows. And this was a big TV, with internal DVD player and everything. To tell you the truth, the event helped to show how extremely manly I am, although I think I strained something in my back and now I'm finding it hard to walk properly, but that's besides the point. Can I blame the shallow superficiality of CSI: Miami for my response? No. Vacuous police procedurals like this have been going on for years, and I've been watching them without such an irate reaction. The Wire, with all of its fucking depth and fucking realism, is the one show that aimed to be different. Therefore it's The Wire's fault that I got so mad when reverting to an ordinary cop show. That's why I'm suing David Simon for the damages caused, and demanding he gives me a new television set and a cash settlement for the chiropractor's fees.

#4 - The Wire has made me racially and culturally sensitive. Bastards.

About 60% of The Wire's large ensemble is African American. That's a much larger percentage than any other show, except maybe the delightful sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. As such, The Wire's social commentary on a declining post-industrial American city has taught me many many things. It has taught me that drug dealers and dope fiends can have feelings too. It has taught me that people is people wherever you go, and everyone's just a victim of the institutions they belong to. It has also taught me (and this is an important one) that black people do not all look the same. But why the hell would Simon and his co-conspirators be so mean as to educate me about these various urban cultures which I hadn't witnessed before? Now, whenever I make a sweeping generalisation about the typical characteristics of another ethnicity, I'm no longer being ironically racist. I'm just being a twat.

This extends beyond just the black ghetto society depicted in the first season of the show. The Wire has forced me to feel sympathetic towards all of the white young male's most cherished channels of hatred. Serial murderers. Politicians. Kids. Fucking kids. After watching the entire series, I could probably find several redeeming things to say about both FOX News and The Daily Mail. The Wire has filled my heart with love for all mankind. It fucking sickens me.

I'm sure there are many other aspects of this abysmal show I could choose to nitpick, but that's probably enough. I suggest you try out the show yourself to see just how fucking awful it is, and recommend to all your friends that they do the same. But you'll all probably like it, because you're all idiots.

Comedies 08-09

OK, I sort of missed the boat on this one. It's been a few months since my favourite US comedies finished their latest seasons, and I can't remember everything that happened. But I'll still give my brief impressions of how they fared this year, simply because no one's put a gag to my mouth just yet.

The fourth season of How I Met Your Mother treaded a lot of water in terms of ongoing story. Whilst Ted and Stella (Sarah Chalke, always my 'marry' choice in any celebrity-based game of shag, marry, push off a cliff) continued to hit it off initially, the writers took the clichéd route of writing her off by making her a bitch. If it weren't for the slight redemption they gave her near the end of the season, I'd have been annoyed. The other ongoing romance in the show was the much more enjoyable sight of Barney secretly and madly in love with Robin, although this isn't revealed to her until the finale. This is my other gripe, which other sitcoms (Friends particularly) have also abused; Why can major plot developments only happen at the very end of a season? We're devoting a lot of time already to watching your show, so why do you not give us anything exciting until the finale? By then, it'll be another four months before the show returns, and we may have stopped caring. The only other notable factor of this season was that both Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders were at varying stages of pregnancy during its filming. Sometimes spotting the props and blocking designed to conceal said pregnancies was just as entertaining as the show itself. Not its strongest season, but still good.

After a couple years of wondering, the cat's out of the bag now... 30 Rock is a roaring success. The show in its third season managed to acquire a sickening amount of Emmy nominations, as well as a dazzling number of celebrity appearances (Jennifer Aniston, Alan Alda, Salma Hayek and Oprah Winfrey to name just a few), making it the live-action equivalent of The Simpsons circa 1994. Unfortunately, the endless cameos may have gone to their heads a bit. Season 3 was still funny, don't get me wrong, but also worryingly started to show its age; Despite initially being a hilarious combination, the continued silliness between Jenna and Tracy is getting a bit tired, and Kenneth too has been overexposed in terms of screentime. I kind of wish some of the bit-part players' roles hadn't been diminished; All too often I find myself yearning to see a bit more of Pete, Cerie or Lutz. Still, Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin continue to dominate in their respective roles, and I continue to watch. Every time I see an entire socio-political message condensed beautifully into one of Baldwin's hilarious asides, I have to laugh. It's what makes 30 Rock so unique.

Perhaps I've been harsh on the above shows, but you won't find me being unappreciative of the second season of The Big Bang Theory, which grew more confident and more entertaining throughout the year. The viewing figures are up and Jim Parsons was given a well-deserved Emmy nod for his role as Sheldon. Whilst the central theme of the show had been the will-they-when-will-they relationship between Leonard and Penny, Season 2 actually found much more success in exploring the unusual friendship between Penny and Sheldon; More and more storylines were written in to incorporate their enjoyable bickering and highlight their differences. These guys are definitely from separate planets. Perhaps the highlight of the season was the Christmas episode halfway through, concerning Sheldon searching for a suitable gift for Penny. The resolution was fantastic as Penny gave him a gift that provoked the most extreme response - and the most fitting gift - from Sheldon, in the form of a hug. It's little moments like this that make a long-running show so enjoyable to watch; May we see more of them in future. The finale felt like a step backwards (I'm fine with exploring Leonard and Penny's relationship, but only if it's actually going somewhere), but otherwise this is the comedy I've been most invested in this year, and I can't wait to see more.

Scrubs - Season 8

If there's one word that characterises the eighth season of Scrubs for me, it's surprise. Going all the way back to when the writers' strike happened, it seemed like Scrubs was dead, with NBC determined to shamefully air the produced episodes out of sequence in order to bill an especially unusual (and not especially good) episode as the series finale. It was a bit of a slap in the face to longtime fans of the show, but it made the surprise all the more tasty when ABC (who had produced the show all along) announced that they would broadcast an eighth and final season on their own network.

The next surprise came when the season aired and the shift in tone (and facial hair) was apparent. The overblown and increasingly stale fantasy sequences were considerably reduced. The humour was much less broad and the drama much less forced. In short, Scrubs had gone 'back to its roots' and the show's tone was much more reminiscent of the very early seasons, which pleased me no end. What's more, the quality (almost) matched. Arguably, the show seemed to have died when its characters had all grown up, round about Season 4. After that, despite occasional greatness, it was difficult to care because the storylines became increasingly silly and the characters weren't learning anything new. An intelligent move, then, to introduce some new blood in the form of fresh-faced interns, letting our once-incapable doctors become the 'I've seen it all before' teachers, thus showing a new side to everyone.

What grabbed me about this season was that the show avoided overblown melodrama wherever possible. Take JD and Elliot's relationship for example. It became clear as the show came to an end that they would end up together, amidst fireworks. So I'm glad that that's exactly what happened, only without the fireworks. That's been done before. Instead, the pair have a frank discussion with each other about the past, the present and the future and decide they're grown up enough for it to work. And having seen their passionate but damagingly neurotic attempts at a relationship in the past, it all made complete sense to me. Similarly, treatment of other such character 'resolutions', such as Dr. Cox's new role and how it develops his friendship with Kelso, or Ted's romantic success (finally!) are underplayed enough for them to have much more of an impact with the audience.

There's other good things I have to say about the season, including the appeal of some of the new interns (Denise and Sunny particularly), but I want to talk about the finale (spoilers!). I thought it was wonderful, perfectly encapsulating all the qualities that had always made the show enjoyable. Yes, it was very sugary, but it worked. The final sequence, with JD daydreaming about his perfect family-having future with Elliot but allowing us, the viewer, to decide whether it will come true, was to me the best way to incorporate one of Scrubs' trademark fantasy sequences and send the show off in a way no other show could. It was the perfect goodbye to JD, to Zach Braff and to the show...

...Except, as we all now know, it wasn't. In the final (and perhaps biggest) surprise of the lot, ABC have awarded the show a ninth season, albeit with a major facelift. The show will now be set in med school and will be centred on Denise and a few other new interns, with perhaps only Turk and Dr. Cox remaining on the show as regulars (and JD to pop up in several episodes). It's baffling, and many people aren't happy because how can Scrubs be Scrubs without JD's signature monologues? However, I want to give the show a chance; It does face a challenge, as it needs to be similar to the previous generation's tone to keep its old viewers, but different enough to keep the show fresh. Also, I'm a little worried that showrunner Bill Lawrence will now be splitting his time between this show and the forthcoming Cougar Town. Finally, given that Zach Braff had the aforementioned perfect farewell, do we really want or need to see his big Jewish face again? :-) Something tells me that Scrubs still has a few surprises up its sleeve...

Dollhouse - Season 1

Joss Whedon! Joss! Whedon! Creator of such fantastic and unique television over the years! Buffy! Firefly! Dr. Horrible! Joss Whedon, God of the geeks! Some people would probably pay good money for one of his turds! Speaking of...

OK, using that as my segway into reviewing the first season of Dollhouse is probably a bit unfair, because the show, even at its worst, was not that bad. The problem was it just wasn't good, and it certainly wasn't Joss. The premise is this – Attractive young things employed by the underground 'Dollhouse' organisation as 'Actives' have their memories and skill sets rewired so they can be the perfect whatever... spy, lover, mentor. Apparently, they are much better at these jobs than the conventional people you would approach because they are programmed to 'believe' in whatever operation they involve themselves in. The flipside of this is the process leaves them in a childlike blank slate the rest of the time, with no identity. And this downside also provided one of the first season's major flaws; How are you meant to empathise for either the undefined Actives with no character traits or for the morally corrupt superiors who control them?

It's not like Buffy or Angel got off to terrific starts, but then again expectations weren't as high for Whedon back then, and Firefly showed just how capable he is of assembling a fantastic cast with great chemistry and making you, the viewer, want to be part of their family. Although Dollhouse improved over the season, it started off with very little of the trademark Whedon wit and warmth, and the coldness of it all deterred a lot of viewers, as did the unengaging plots of standalone episodes. If it had carried on that way, I may have stopped watching. But then things started to click; It wasn't as remarkable an improvement as the second season of Buffy was, but suddenly the writers seemed to find a sense of purpose, as they slowly moved away from standalone stories to expand the ever-more-interesting mythology of the show, and give the Actives a little bit more self-control. Despite a rather naff final episode (the action climax is crawling across a beam?!), the show is bizarrely being brought back for a second season, and has the unusual claim of being the least-viewed network show ever to be renewed. The reason is, as said before, Joss Whedon. His fanbase may be relatively small, but it's loyal. They'll lap up the DVDs and merchandise, and less hardcore fans such as myself will continue to watch in the hope the show improves. Although there have certainly been shows more worthy of renewal, I'm glad FOX had the good business sense to look beyond viewing figures, and other networks should take note. They may have done Firefly a world of wrong five years ago, but they've been good to Joss this time around. If only this show was as good as Firefly!

Why will I keep watching? Well, some of the cast are beginning to grow on me. Although Eliza Dushku's leading role is unfortunately quite weak, supporting Actives such as Dichen Lachman's (from Neighbours!) Sierra and the sublime Enver Gjokaj's Victor are much more enjoyable. Topher (think an immoral Xander) walks that fine line between hilarious and irritating, but he's showing some shades of intrigue now. Tahmoh Penikett, though, lacks any kind of charisma that a leading man should have... He was acceptable as serious Helo in the acceptably-dreary Battlestar Galactica, but does a great disservice here to Whedon's dialogue... I cringe every time his dour FBI agent character butchers an otherwise witty one-liner.

I have some concerns for the second season of the show. It's operating on a smaller budget, and they're working with much less screentime for the seemingly important part of Dr. Saunders, played magnificently by alliteratively awesome Angel alum Amy Acker. Still, it sounds like the writers are finding their groove and the excellent unaired future-based episode Epitaph One also gave hope as to some of the directions the show will be heading in. I'm still watching, but only because it's Joss Whedon! Joss! Whedon! And that's exactly what FOX are banking on.